The loss with a miscarriage is a lot the loss of dreams, but that loss is compounded with the guilt and at times self loathing that comes from believing that the only thing that life needed was your protection and you failed it horribly! I personally struggled with that for a very long time. To have your children die and fall from your body, is not something you get over real quick, if ever to be entirely honest. I still have moments where I don't understand what I did wrong. Where I grieve and guilt swarms my heart. Yes I know all the medical facts of miscarriage, so please don't try and tell me I did nothing wrong, it doesn't matter and it doesn't help. I still feel what I feel. However, I've been thinking about those particular babies recently, Lucas and Grace were the names chosen for those little lives and though I never got a chance to count how many fingers and toes each had, and I never knew what color their eyes or hair were, I never saw them or heard their hearts beat, they were very alive to me and to a degree they still live with me to this day.
Through all this I had no one really to cling to, no one to help me through the pain, no one who really even cared. My husband was dealing with his own issues, my sister and I weren't speaking, my mother was mostly concerned with how this was going to affect her life in someway... it was a really dark time in my life and through my pain, I hurt the two wonderful children I already had, because I was not able to be there for them for nearly a full year and those scars still exist on each of us today.
Though both my children couldn't have lived, because had I not lost the first one, I never would have become pregnant with the second, that was just physically impossible --my second baby only existed because my first had died-- I grieve the loss of two souls, but I also feel the presence of those souls here with me like soft whispers and most recently...
